However, the person could have meant––and probably did mean––that you’re refreshingly unique. An example of this would be somebody telling you, “you’re very original.” If you sometimes feel out of step with the world, you may interpret this to mean that you’re an “oddball” or “weird.” Kate uses the analogy of adjusting the mirrors in a car so you eliminate blind spots. “You really need to know your own personal sensitivities.” “We all have vulnerabilities and assumptions that we make,” says Kate. “So really, you’re motivating yourself to listen.” Know yourselfĭoing a good job of listening to others means slowing down and listening to yourself first. “By virtue of asking the question, you’re invested in the answer,” explains Kate. Of course, some people may be withholding, but the takeaway is that if you’re open, non-judgemental, and willing to ask curious questions, you’ll likely be more engaged.
When I get to the end of an interview and I feel like I didn't get that insight––that it sort of seemed stale or I didn't get any good information––I really see it as a failure on my part.” “If somebody seems boring or not worth your time, it's really on you. “If there's one thing I've learned as a journalist, it's that everyone has a story,” says Kate. However, if we stop ourselves from jumping to assumptions, we’ll be surprised and less likely to want to tune out. Instead, we tend to make assumptions you might think, “I know what you’re going to say” or we feel like we already know particular people we’re close to. they're really always listening and asking you questions, trying to figure you out.”Īs we grow older, we naturally develop our own biases and it can become easier to lose that innate curiosity. “In fact, you'll notice that they'll repeat things back to you. “Little kids are incredibly curious and they listen really well,” says Kate. We could learn a thing or two from toddlers. When you are listening is really when you are the person that's in the more powerful position.” Channel your inner child “People fool themselves into thinking that ‘I'm really gonna move this person by my wonderful, glowing, and pointed argument.’ But actually, the other person's probably thinking about what they're going to say next. “You're not really going to gain when you're talking,” says Kate. Ask yourself: What can I gather by paying attention? By listening, you’re learning and when you’re learning, you’re absorbing precious information. In order to make your conversations more valuable and less transactional (and less like you’re “waiting” for your turn), reframe your role. “There's no comparable course or extracurricular activity for listening. “If you think about schools and colleges these days, you can take courses on elocution and debate,” says Kate. Prioritizing talking over listening isn’t necessarily our fault––we've been taught that since youth. We all know the importance of an elevator pitch and being able to “sell yourself” to a room.
So what makes a good listener? On Calm’s new series The Spark, Kate shares her insight on how to have meaningful and productive conversations: Reframe your role in communicating “I think that just tells us that people have more experience with bad listeners than with good listeners,” she says. According to Kate, most people have a tougher time describing the qualities of a solid ear. However, ask them what makes a good listener, and they might find the request a bit more challenging.Īt least, that’s what Kate Murphy, author of You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why It Matters, found in her research.
If you ask someone what makes a “bad listener,” they usually describe people distractedly looking at their phones or changing the topic mid-conversation.